Our god-king speaks to us tonight about the catastrophic boo-boo in the Gulf of Mexico.
As suggested by “Avatar” director, James Cameron, the President’s plan for plugging the oil well is to summon the Kraken. The Kraken is a mythological creature which, according to Cameron, is real, and he is as “big as Dallas.” An added plus is he has extra arms and whatnot. For the bargain basement price of $12.5 trillion, Cameron has persuaded the Kraken to dive down to the alleged site and plug the well. The two became tight during the filming of Cameron's hideous film, "The Abyss."
The creature, whose Christian name is "Virgil," will use a custom-made Kraken condom, which the creature doesn’t need anyway, since there aren’t any girl Krakens with which to party. Sources say it is a very large condom, as the Kraken’s wiener is, as you might expect, also big. The President insists his is larger, but who can say. He'd be the first to enhance and amplify, if you know what'm sayin'.
Government experts, including that Nobel Prize winning guy the White House brags about all the time (but who doesn't seem to know anything), recommended we retain the much meaner Kraken that starred in the 2010 version of "Clash of the Titans. Alas, that Kraken wanted $100 trillion, which would increase the national debt more than even Obama can stomach. So we are getting the Ray Harryhausen version from 1981.
Can the monster do it? Do monsters renege? What if he gives us the niggardly effort we've come to expect from most monsters from the early 80's? Will he even remember his instructions? Can he swim all the way down to the alleged spill, seal off the pipe with the giant condom, and will the condom hold back the oil until the equally mythical "relief wells" are drilled, some time in 2025?
One question Helen Thomas should ask is why would the creature want 12.5 trillion bucks? Granted, that's a lot of money but what's he going to do with it? Thank goodness James Cameron promised to give the check to the Kraken. We don't know his address, and he won't return text messages from The Barack. Cameron does know how to reach him, but he "promised" not to tell anyone. This is good.
He made "Titanic." He is reliable. Just ask his ex-wifey who beat him for the Oscar® for Best Director this year. Albeit Cameron's lame "I am the King of the World" speech when he won for "Titanic," still makes me cringe, and so does the movie, but I digress.
An interesting twist. The boring guy who starred in "Avatar," Sam Worthington, also starred in "Clash of the Titans, 2010." They replaced Harry Hamlin because he isn't pretty any more. Probably fat too.
Watch this: James Cameron >> "The Abyss" >> "Avatar" >> Sam Worthington >> "Clash of the Titans 2010" >> "Virgil," the Kraken from "Clash of the Titans," 1981 >> James Cameron. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Too many connections? Maybe. Sounds very George Noory "grassy knoll" if you ask me.
Who manufactured the giant condom? Sources say it was the great Halliburton. The much maligned corporation has come to our aid, yet again. No one appreciates them but our Dick, Dick Cheney.
The White House insists the "Kraken Plan 9 from Outer Space" cannot fail. After all, the President is himself a Nobel Laureate, and he would be the first to tell you he is excessively and vulgarly brilliant. In the unlikely event something goes wrong (these things can break under certain conditions, for example), there is a super secret Alternate Plan. President Obama will restore the abandoned, but often juicy practice of conducting human sacrifices to the Roman God of the Sea, Neptune, whom the President has secretly worshiped for years. Neptune don't take no jive bribes, son.
Aquaman is in rehab again, so he can't help.
This will be his first speech from the Oval Office. It will be long and he will read very well. from the Chinese Teleprompter. No need to watch; I've already given you the highlights. However, he is also expected to nationalize British Petroleum, declare martial law, and send writers of satire off to the Alaskan Death Camps. So goodbye forever.
One suggestion, far more helpful than blaming the dumb President Bush (and he will). The President should muster ships and crew, men, women, tanks, "Brownie" of Katrina fame, nukes, planes, guns, knives, a bunch of thugs from "Blazing Saddles, innocent Joran van der Sloot, some registered nurses, and about a trillion doses of meth, for that added boost of energy.
Try and stop the oil from reaching shore. Every little effort helps. Clean up the mess that reaches the formally pristine coastline. Basically, this is the help Governor Bobby Jindal pleaded for from the beginning. He didn't get it. Barack was having date night, on another vacation, blaming the Dumb Bush, or playing his 10,000th round of golf since America's "Baby Doc" became President for Life.
Blame, fine, demagogue, politicize, determine "whose ass to kick" and urge passage of that communist "cap and trade" bill later. Right now, to borrow a phrase from my girl, Laura Ingraham, "just shut up and clean."
I'd help, but I threw out my back.
©2010 Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, Ltd.
