Zombies put Gravy on Everything

Monday, April 28, 2008

Zombies putting Gravy on Everything
Current mood: obsequious
Category: Life

In which I wake up in North Dakota, by Randall P. Copperfield, Esq.

I haven't seen enough of this place to describe it yet. It reminds me of a flat, Dorothy in black & white Kansas sort of place. Part of that is because it isn't really spring yet. Not much green at all. It wasn't difficult to get here. Even the chick at the United Airlines counter was friendly and helpful, albeit that is her job, but we know how that goes. Sad that we pour all over ourselves when someone simply does what she is paid to do.

I found some Starbuck's Sinatra roast at this awful Mal-Wart they have in Dickinson. Incredibly, it is like all the other diabolical Mal-Wart stores. Also, the evil of Bentonville pervades this place: every other business has been run out of town. Nothing is left but darkness. Boarded up structures that remind me of a Springsteen song from "Darkness on the Edge of Town." Zombie folks walking around like characters in a really bad zombie movie. Everyone puts gravy on everything.

But they gots some fossil fuel here, hence our interest. Landmen from Oklahoma have been coming up here for decades, surveying the place, making crop circles in the fields and whatnot.
Still, at Mal-Wart, I couldn't resist buying a bunch of crap I didn't need. I don't have a vehicle up here, but I bought a case of motor oil for a diesel truck. I also purchased (on sale, bitches) three dozen light bulbs, some fig newtons, a pack of 12 lighters, and some thong panties. There's more, but it starts getting kind of silly.

Get this. I have TWO new friends on MySpace, one is Jamie from the May Club. I just met her on Sunday. The other is Nick, who helps me do stuff I can't do for myself because I'm old and lazy or incompetent.

Richard, who helps me do stuff I can't do for myself because I'm old and lazy or incompetent, found a good home for the peein' dog, whom we never even named. It wasn't working out at our place, as the other two dogs are too old to put up with a puppy, and she was no normal puppy. She chewed up oak steps, for heaven's sake.

My new lap top is kyna coo, and it works well up here. The hotel has great internet, so I can't complain about that. Yes I can.

And one of my coolest May Club cred friends, Chester, sent me a text message out of the blue. Made my day…that and finding some Starbuck's coffee…and the planes not crashing.
I will miss my swell friends who would not normally mix with me.

But in three weeks I'll be off for a whole week. Then I'm going home to OKC, I'm gonna lay up, get on crack, and watch the sh*t out of DVDs.

It is time for me to try and get some sleep now. Nothing mean to say about Obama tonight, other than he is a phony big eared mean wife havin' muslim training camp goin' dawg head. McCain is worse when it comes to phoniness, but at least he doesn't lie about being a muslim. I read today McCain went negative against poor Obama. Said a lot of hurtful things about him. According to Obama, the semi-black candidate, this is all "racism." And McCain mooched a plane off his rich wife's beer company. Nice. No conflict there, "Mr. Straight Talk."

I wish I could vote for…ANYONE else. What crappy choices. If McCain doesn't put someone (a conservative) with some smarts, youth, honesty, ethics, and credibility, on his ticket, I'm going to vote for Hillary or any third party candidate on the ballot. I will not under any circumstance vote for Obama. I believe Hillary is going to beat him. I do. She'd be better than Obama. (but the judges that woman would appoint…)

Obama's idiot "preacher" was smearing the airwaves with his vitriol today. Like to made me puke (again). Sure loves the limelight does Pastor Wright. How dare he say that stuff about America; never mind it is sort of true.

Nope, nuffin mean to say tonight. I'm just happy, joyous and free. My sponsor is looking after me. We're going to get through the big book as fast as Wesley Snipes filed his income tax returns. Idiot. Oh, and Tom called to check on me.

And don't forget I found the Starbuck's Sumatra.

Coming to you live from North DaKelly,
RPH, Esq., N.V.

©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, Inc.

Barack the Chicken Hearted

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Barack the Chicken Hearted Current mood: argumentative Category: News and Politics Barack the Chicken Hearted The race between Obama and Clinton is neck and neck, mainly because Obama cheated or something, and Clinton ran a lousy campaign – or none at all in many states. Her idiot staff thought it would all be over by February 5th, but it ain't. It's a terrific, tight race that is preparing the eventual nominee for the fall campaign. We haven't had a primary race this close or this exciting since 1976, when Ronald Reagan almost beat Gerald Ford, a sitting, albeit appointed, president. Ford won by doling out bribes and using secret police from the Shah of Iran to beat up on uncommitted delegates. The result was… Jimmy Carter, who recently screwed up things a little more for us over in allahland. There's a new book out about what an arrogant jerk Carter was, in that he treated the White House "help" like crap. I'd almost read that book – if I read books. Didn't Carter's mother have a torrid affair with lovely Gertrude Stein back in the 30's? I may be wrong; I get so confused sometimes. It's all this clean living. Gertrude Stein Lillian Carter So Hillary Clinton has challenged that awful Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas –style Debate. This debate would have no moronic moderators asking moronic questions. The two candidates would ask each OTHER moronic questions, pick at each other, show a bit of smarts and oratory…and whatnot. Americans have been clamoring for a true debate since I started following politics in 1968. What passes for "debates" among the candidates, and the democrats have had some 21 exhaustively boring ones in this campaign, aren't really debates at all. They are group press conferences. They are seldom newsworthy, as the candidates usually expect most of the questions, and they have prepared sound bite answers. They are lame. Once in awhile a candidate says or does something dumb. In 1976, Ford claimed the Soviets did not dominate Poland. Right. Poland also invanded Germany in 1939. Ford waited a week before knuckling under and "clarifying" his remarks. That probably cost him the election, but who can say. In the end were saddled with… Jimmy Carter, who recently screwed up things a little more in allahland. And Jimmy Carter, who got the dog sh*t beat out of him by Ronald Reagan, in 1980. In their one and only debate, Reagan was prepared for Carter's pious, holier-than-thou, you're going to start a war, rape the wilderness, and then eat the poor comments. Reagan shook his head sadly (he'd likely rehearsed it) and said, "there you go again." Most of us Reagan fans added "you phony m.f." to that, since Reagan couldn't say it. In a debate in 1992, George Bush (the smart one) looked at his watch, which signaled he was not having a good night, and it rather summed up his hapless campaign. When's this gonna be over? In 2000 and 2004, Bush the Dumb was…just dumb, and we were embarrassed for him. Debates, even the goofy press conference "debates," can make a difference. We should have lots and lots of them, because Hillary might just score points against that phony Obama, and beat his ass. Someone needs to expose this guy before it is too late, and we're cursed with another… …Jimmy Carter-like idiot. One who smiles and charms and delights the masses. After getting elected, he sits around and effs stuff up. I'm serious. He has gotten a free ride because he is semi-black, and it is simple as that. What do we know about him? We know about that preacher of his. We know about his friendship with the terrorist, that precious William Ayers. We know Obama lacks experience. The kind of experience it takes to avoid doing and saying stupid things as President of the United States. Bush the Dumb taught us about that. We know Obama's evil orc wife wasn't proud of America until her husband was on the verge of the nomination. If I've said anything personal or unkind, let me apologize before anyone is hurt. My whole point with this ramble was to simply say that that Barack Obama is a whiny punk bitch because he won't accept Hillary Clinton's challenge to a real debate. all I can do is sit here and write hurtful things about that big eared pinko weathermen sympathizer crack smokin' Barack Obama. I do hope he loses. I'm about ready to send some money to Mrs. Clinton. Lots and lots of conservatives are pulling for her. RPH, Esq., N.V. ©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, LLC

Clobbering Persia - 30 Years Late

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Clobbering Persia - 30 Years Late Current mood: contemplative Category: News and Politics God Bless Pennsylvania. Yes, the good citizens of Pennsylvania, including my friends at Dunder Mifflin in Scranton, voted on Tuesday, and Senator Clinton beat the dog sh*t out of that crooked Senator Obama. By a margin of at least 10 points, Mrs. Clinton knocked him down to Chinatown. Obama spent money like a drunken arab potentate, which he is by the way. He ran hundreds of negative ads -- enough to make the entire state puke onto poor New Jersey. Mr. Hope & Change even went negative, and he called her everything but an ugly white woman. It didn't work. He lost. I can't stand either one of them, but I favor Mrs. Clinton over Mr. Obama. I can even see myself voting for her over Senator McCain. He is also a big phony, and I can envision him pushing some of the dumbest legislation in history, keeping hope (and war) alive in Iraq forever, and (as one comedian claimed) re-invading poor harmless Vietnam. Might as well bomb Cambodia while we're at it, Senator. I read something interesting in the New York Times. Senator Clinton is getting a little tougher, and I like it. I'll get to it. I'm no Torah-thumper for Israel, but I believe we should stick up for the only true friend we have in that allah-forsaken region. I'm still very angry at Iran over the hostage taking in 1979. Carter did everything but offer the Iranians an aircraft carrier to release the diplomats imprisoned by the terrorists. Lest we forget, the current President of Iran, Ahmadinejad, was one of those terrorists. They played Carter for the fool he was, and he was the first sitting president to lose since Martin Van Buren. But those Iranian vandals embarrassed all of us. They didn't act nice. They didn't act right. They violated every rule of traditional diplomacy, and they don't regularly bathe. I don't know of a single instance where the Germans or even the Soviets pulled that kind of crap. One would have to think of North Korea to find an example. It was years before the reputation of the United States of America was restored. Alas, the dumb Bush destroyed it all over again. Like most Americans, though, I've long been troubled by the those nuts in Iran. They want nukes, and backward as they are, they are bound to get them. Pakistan has nukes, for heaven's sake. Iranian mullets and their goofy president firmly believe they are backed up by some magical, albeit phony, diety, "allah." The leaders of this backward, quaint, rug making country are convinced that it is the will of allah to wipe Israel off the map. Let them try. Not because I think we should start a war over Israel. No, we should simply use this as an excuse to annihilate Iran. Even thirty years later, it would still be kyna coo. Am I a warmonger? Nope. I simply wouldn't mind if we nuked Iran. These things happen. So I was more than pleased to read in the New York Times the following quote: "The Pennsylvania race was volatile into its final hours. Mrs. Clinton, for instance, surprised some Democrats with a remark about Iran on ABC on Tuesday, when she broke with her practice of avoiding hypothetical questions and commented on a situation in which Iran attacked Israel with nuclear weapons. "I want the Iranians to know that if I'm the president, we will attack Iran," she said. "In the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack on Israel, we would be able to totally obliterate them." You go fat girlfriend. If you win, we'll likely be inundated with lesbian feminist judges, and unimaginably awful policies and laws. At least you'd dispatch our Iranian friends to the infernal regions if they jack with Israel. I'd say it'd be worth the 30-year wait, and I'll learn to live without Persian rugs. RPH, Esq., N.V.

Obama to Outlaw English ﺵﻈﻖﺴ,ﺵﻈﻖﺴﷲ

Monday, April 21, 2008

Obama made me learn ﺵﻈﻖﺴﷲ Current mood: indescribable Category: News and Politics People, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you can't make up some of the dumb stuff candidates do. What's more, they will keep right on a-doing it or lying about it until unrelenting media or other pressure brings them down. Once in awhile, a public figure will not back down. An example from 1985 comes to mind, and that is the controversy over President Reagan's visit to a German military cemetery, Bitburg. Bitburg contained the remains of a few soldiers who were in the SS. There might have been a few allied airmen who firebombed Dresden, too – war is bad. The President stuck to his guns and went anyway. He had, after all, promised Chancellor Kohl he would go. It was an important gesture of American appreciation of an important and loyal friend. It wasn't as if the President planned to don lederhosen and sing the "Horst Wessel" song with the Chancellor. Lots of whining, though, from certain members of congress, Elie Wiesel, and the usual suspects in the media. People sent in World War II medals in protest. Scientologists set themselves on fire. Artists in Santa Fe did more 'shrooms. Nazis protested the visit of a World War II veteran, Captain Ronald Reagan, to a sacred cemetery where kameraden were interred. Kurt Waldheim turned over in his mausoleum, and he wasn't even dead yet. Okay, I'm making most of this up. But Reagan promised he'd go, it caused a lot of controversy, but he kept his word to the Chancellor. The controversy eventually passed, like a pineapple through the digestive system. Reagan himself put that a little more colorfully. Deutschland remains one of our staunch allies. Now, Obama the Boy Wonder, is cornered over this idiotic flag lapel pin issue. I don't know if his mojo, mofo, ungawa, voodoo, or muslim prayers will bail him out of this one. Reagan Democrats and others with common sense are both puzzled and angered. Most of us have never known or even heard of someone who wouldn't wear an American flag lapel pin. Not that people "have" to wear one, but who ever refused? For the most part, the senator can do no wrong in the eyes of the media. They think he is swell, and that he was wrapped in swaddling clothes at birth. The media have given him a pass over that piece of work "minister," and his tight relationship with home grown terrorist, William Ayers, whose worst crime was sporting 60s hair in the 80s. I think Obama is a fat, lying phony, but I mean that in a nice way. Why won't he wear a lapel pin? That's un-American, un-patriotic, and just plain goofy. The media have picked at him about it, but he (so far) hasn't backed down. If he decides to start wearing one now, we can all gleefully proclaim him the chicken-hearted woos he truly is, and we'll mean that in a nice way too. After 9/11, America found itself at war with islam. I started wearing a lapel pin, because it seemed the right thing to do. My pin has the American and British flags together, because the Great Britain is our best friend. I'm also a monarchist and a colonialist, and I believe Great Britain should get its empire back. So would it hurt our young prince to wear a lapel pin? Nope. Why doesn't he? If someone designed and manufactured (in China, of course) a lapel pin with that muslim red crescent, next to a Maoist red star, I'm betting Obama would wear it. This man who would be president, the leader of a proud, patriotic, and rather fat nation of fast food lovers would wear that one. Why? Because he is secretly a muslim commie, that's why, and we won't find out until it is too late. Sidebar: I don't wear a lapel pin any more. Why? Because I'm too grotesquely fat to fit into anything with lapels. If I'd earned $4.2 billion dollars last year like the Obama Crime Family, I'd buy new suits. Let us vote. Vote early, repeatedly, and often. Vote like a Kennedy-rigged election in Boston. Let us hope that "the American people in their righteous might" will not elect this guy. He is an unknown. He is untested. He is effete. He is a snooty, wine sipping, reception going, Vanity Fair readin', NPR lis'nin' mean wife havin', Black Niles Crane, and he's not even a Baptist. C'mon, Pennsylvania. Vote in droves for Hilary. Obama makes her seem palatable. I never thought I'd say that. I might even vote for her over McCain; it depends on McCain's running mate. Someone has been saying that McCain wants to re-invade Vietnam; that is funny as hell, and I wish I'd thought of it. So why won't the emir wannabe wear a flag lapel pin? I'm sick of listening to "Vampire Weekend" now, but they are starting to send me messages like Gavin Rossdale. I'm going to get to the subject of North Dakota I'm leaving in a week. Here's another from "Vampire's" "Oxford Comma." "Why would you lie about how much coal you have? Why would you lie about something dumb like that? Why would you lie about anything at all? First the window, then it's to the wall Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth" Because it doesn't have to make sense to be cool. "Oxford Comma" has the F-word in it, too. ﺵﻈﻖﺴﷲ, RPH, Esq., N.V. ©Randall P. Hodge, Esq.

Hitler's 119th Birthday and Vampire Weekend

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Vampire Weekend and Hitler’s 119th Birthday Current mood: adventurous Category: Life Today is Hitler's 119th Birthday. I'm one of the few people who believes Hitler is dead. I mean, he just couldn't be alive. The guy had serious health problems, particularly toward the end of the war. He had a quack of a doctor, Theodor Morell, who prescribed all kinds of exotic, weird stuff – everything from Romanian gypsy sperm to lamb feces to some awesome amphetamines. I'd have liked Morrell, as he was apparently (as we say in the business) a "pill doctor." He was also (as we say in the business), a nut. Hitler's inner circle despised him. No mystery as to why Hitler kept Dr. Morell on the payroll. Hitler was upset about some things, had issues, didn't act right, and he made a mess. Yet the History Channel, History International, the Military Channel, et al, have turned the guy into a black & white icon for people who oughta step out into the sunshine once in awhile. I only knew it was Adolf's birthday because the New York Times reminded me. What kind of a nut remembers Hitler's birthday anyway? Or Stalin's (December 18, 1878), or Mao's (December 26, 1893), or George W. Bush's, (July 6, 1946)? "Vampire Weekend" was the musical guest on SNL last night. I'm one who is generally at least five years behind the times. "Vampire Weekend" was already popular with indie people years ago, so I'll be laughed at yet again for being lame. I liked both songs they performed, "A-Punk," and "M79." Carrying this new obsession to its end, I've downloaded a bunch of their music from Napster®, conned them into adding me to the "Vampire Weekend" MySpace page, and memorized the lyrics to all of their songs. I should expect another one of those pesky restraining orders if I start bugging them. Find "Vampire Weekend" some place and listen to the two tunes I mentioned. For the lyrics alone, "Vampire Weekend" is worth a listen. The lead singer is Ezra Koenig, who looks like a Jewish Holden Caulfield might look, and he has a great voice. Somebody writes good lyrics – not sure if it is Koenig (but the obsession continues, so I will find out). Here is a stanza from "M79:" "No excuse to be so callous Dress yourself in bleeding madras Charm your way across the Khyber Pass." So forget Gavin Rossdale. I'm heading for the Khyber Pass. But first I'm going to North Dakota to make some money. More on this later. RPH, Esq., N.V. ©Randall P. Hodge, Esquire

The Pope of Obama’s Chinese Body Parts

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Pope of Obama’s Chinese Body Parts Category: News and Politics The new Pope is visiting the United States. He seems like a good man. He is tough and conservative. He probably wishes Vatican II hadn't ruined his church. Maybe he'll bring back the formal Latin Mass and get rid of the hippies with flip flops, pony tails and guitars. After all, Latin is spoken in Heaven. I'm one Episcopalian who still misses the Pope John Paul II. My dreams of his successor -- a Pope who was secretly in the SS in Austria or Germany during World War II -- were dashed when I learned Cardinal Ratzinger had only been in the Hitler Youth. Still, Kurt Waldheim is still a rock star after all these years. We are definitely running out of Nazis to pick on. In other news, Senator Obama and his hideous wife released their tax returns. It seems Barack and Michelle earned and reported $4.2 BILLION in income in 2007! The salary of a United States Senator is but $169,000.00. That's not a lot of money in Washington, D.C., or in Chicagoland, the home base of Obama's nefarious criminal, political, and islamic empire. But it's still a lot of money. Press reports indicate the Obamas made all this extra money from the sale of the Senator's cheesy and self-promoting books, "My Baby's Mama: the Michelle Uhura Obama Story," and "The Audacity of Hope that White People will stop complaining and go back to Europe." That's a lot of money from two boring books that one can buy at Barnes & Noble now for about fit-ty cent a piece. How is this possible? Why won't the Obamas explain how they turned so little money into so much? Cattle futures? Whitemail? Clipping coupons? Public schools? Re-financing? Doubtful. I think I know. I have this information from Gavin Rossdale himself. The Obamas have for some time been heavily involved in the trade of human body parts from communist red China, owner of Mal-Wart and the United States of America. Yes. Yes, this is sick and wrong, but it is lucrative like cookin' dope if you don't get caught. This is why the Obamas are gettin' paid like Oprah. Barack's thugs roam the Chinese countryside seeking whom they can kidnap, and from whom they can harvest kidneys, lungs, hearts, brains, eyes, and wieners. These parts are cosmetically enhanced, enlarged or reduced where appropriate. Next, they are quick frozen, boxed, and shipped to Obama's secret distribution warehouse located near Bentonville, Arkansas, headquarters of Mal-Wart. From the Bentonville warehouse, located deep within the Bentonville Mountains, the body parts are sold to medical facilities around the world, ostensibly as genuine "organ donor body parts." They are shipped complete in an individual collector's ice chest, as seen on TV. Are Obama, communist red China and Mal-Wart Connected? Fishy? Conspiracy? Almost certainly. Ghoulish? Not really, no. Wish I'd thought of it. This kind of scam requires a lot of money, and such financing has to come from deep pockets. The Mafia? Nope, the government cheated and ruined the mafia in the 80's. Word is that Mal-Wart has been behind this thing all along. There is a reason why 97.5% of all the crap in Mal-Wart was made by the red communist Chinese. It's all connected. It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy so vast and so complicated, it will take a new, Pentagon-size cabinet level department to sort it all out. And McCain is the idiot who'll likely create three or four more of those things. All I know is the Obamas did not make $4.2 BILLION from hawking books about putrid Michelle Obama and sending white people back to Europe. Wait. Hold on. Oh, they made $4.2 MILLION in 2007. Never mind. But I still think they are into selling stolen body parts from communist red China. RPH, Esq., N.V. ©2008 Randall P. Hodge, Esq.