Farewell to a Far Green Country

After five months in the beautiful Aryan State of North Dakota, it is time to go home. Our work here is finished. We found and leased about five hundred billion barrels of oil. All that remains is pumping it out of the ground, and using it up as fast as possible – in my lifetime, preferably. I predict gas will be 32¢ a gallon in a year. Then you can thank my colleague and me for doing what our idiot government failed to do since the damned arabs invented the energy crisis in 1973.



The first thing we should do after we get all the oil, is send Hugo Chavez of Venezuela a box of turds, with a note advising him it is time to suck it. Disappearing him would be kyna coo too. And we should stab all the journalists who pronounce his name “Ugo.” It’s HUEgo.

I’m going to miss my adopted Fatherland. The small towns that haven’t been ruined by Wal-Mart.





The friendly people who still wave, speak, and don’t pull out in front of you on the highway. The manicured lawns with stealable things in the yard that no one steals. Unlocked cars. No seat belts (because there are no wrecks in North Dakota). The wildlife. I actually saw a herd of antelope the other day on the way to Williston. The spectacular sunsets.

I tried to take pictures of the friendly local people, but they threw stones at me for not being a Lutheran.



This is one of the few states I’ve ever visited that I could move to without a problem. It is a state I would not have likely visited, if I hadn’t had the opportunity to work here. It is one of those experiences for which I had low expectations, and it turned out to exceed my wildest notion of what it would be like. I also won the lottery, but here it is only $7. What a thrill it was to meet the governor.

The highways are in perfect condition. There are no pot holes. The roads are perfect, but they repave them anyway. In Oklahoma, one must stop at roadside shops and have new shocks installed. The turnpikes are touted as autobahn-like roadways that quicken one’s way to any destination. Alas, the road construction projects in Oklahoma, both state and local, are ETERNAL. The turnpikes are always slower, and it costs about $300 in tolls to go anywhere.

I will miss the coal trains. I’ve heard it stops in Stanton for lunch, but I think that was a fib. But the train stops for some reason, every day. I never knew there was coal here, but there is – lots.



In Stanton there is an elderly gentleman, a veteran of World War II. Every morning he walks down to the café for breakfast. He lost his wife a couple of years ago. He has a collie mix he named S.O.B. He and the dog walk down every morning. He wears over-alls. He ties the dog to a pole outside the café, and S.O.B. waits patiently for the man to finish his breakfast. Then it is time to do whatever else they do each day. Routines are cool. This guy goes to the animal shelter for stray dogs, particularly those that have been abused. He has to go all the way to Bismarck to find an abused dog at the shelter. But he finds cool ones, and then loves them until they are less neurotic. His dog is a bit skittish, because some asshead probably beat him at one time. But S.O.B. will let you pet him if you ask him nicely.

Thanks to Obama and Wal-Mart, these kinds of things are disappearing from America. In North Dakota, though, it is common to see a sappy scene out of Norman Rockwell or Reader’s Digest. I hope the man and his dog live to be about 175, if that is what they want.

I hate to leave because it is fun living in a hotel. Someone makes my bed and cleans up the peanut shells that I drop on the floor.

I wanted to experience a real winter. Imagine a place that is so cold most vehicles have an engine block heater installed. One plugs in the heater when the vehicle is parked. There are plugs at most public buildings.

I will get used to living at home again. Hopefully I’ll get an opportunity to travel to another place, preferably one settled and populated by Germans, like this area of North Dakota.

I will have to buy some fat suits, as it is likely I will be in court practicing oil & gas law. I think I need a little more training on the road, but that is not up to me. I’d like to remain fat for awhile. I bought a pedometer, but the thing doesn’t work. It hasn’t made me want to walk or run or anything. I set it so my average step is like six feet, so it seems I’ve walked much further than I did. I wore it about today, until it got too heavy, and I logged 178.49 miles.

I will have liposuction, if I don’t have to get up.

When I get home I’m going to eat at Ted’s, a good steak place, and a good pizza place – Nomad perhaps – all on the same day.

I’m going to watch a lot of my favorite DVDs, piled up with fat Micky, my Jack Russell Terrier. I’ll have dog hair all over me, but that will be nice.

I’m going to complain about the weather being too hot and humid down there. I’m going to observe and experience and take fussiness to a whole. Nutha Level.

I’ll get used to a new schedule. I’ll learn new things that will interest me. I’ll make lots of money and get back the elusive Rolex that some assface stole. This experience has taught me that I can catch on to just about anything if I am surrounded by attractive, well-dressed people with German names who wave and smile and don’t want anything from me.

And lastly, I’m not saying anything else about that awful obama.



Until I get home and think of something trippy.

Thanks to my best friend and mentor, David Kelly ("Jesus hates you"), and my whigger Randy Eisworth("Let Excel help you") for teaching me a new trade up here. I am forever grateful.

Hey to you and yours. Gott mit uns.

Randall P. Hodge, Esq.

©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, LLC

Beast and the Beauty

For the last couple of weeks, I have focused on curing diseases, ending world hunger, and watching “Project Runway” on Bravo. And there’s the Emmys to fret about. I’ve tried to ignore the Obamas, but I can’t. The junior senator from Illinois, the only muslim in the United States Senate, is such a phony that I often wonder how much it will suck if he is elected.

Clearly, he is running for President for only one reason: he gets to chase after ugly fat white women. I don’t mean that racist. If you watch him, he always has frumpy white chicks, like that abominable Senator Claire McCaskill, around, and he kisses on them before and after each rally. I’m not too sure but what Joe Biden’s wife didn’t get pregnant, the way Obama kissed on her at the Democrat National Convention. I’m jus’ sayin’. Clearly, though, Obama has a thing for white women, as evidenced by his new book.

Ugly White Women

Seriously, I’ve been annoyed by a couple of stunts recently pulled by the Obamas. One, they’ve run ads that misquote, mistranslate, and or take out of context a PARODY Rush Limbaugh broadcast back in the 90’s with regard to the NAFTA debate. I’m no fan of Limbaugh, as he is a fat blowhard. I rarely listen to him. He is as big a blowhard as Bill O’Reilly, but he is not nearly as big a blowhard as Barack Obama.

The Obama campaign took Limbaugh’s comments, twisted them around, and make it seem that Rush called Mexicans “stupid,” and to stay home (in Mexico). None of this is relevant today anyway, as Bush let all 15 million of them move into the United States anyway. But I digress. My point is it isn’t fair to do this to someone, even when the fate of Western Civilization is at stake.

Actually, it is fair to do this to someone. McCain’s people do it to Obama all the time. We take his slimy words out of context and then twist them around until we have him in bed with Michael Jackson and a bunch of little white cub scouts. The difference is Republicans don’t whine and squall and call everyone a racist like Obama does. Obama does it because he is a little ice cream boy. He is a nerdy, effete wimp with big ears, smelly feet, and a taste for fat ugly white women.

I don’t mean this mean or as a personal attack.

Republicans don’t protest because it us useless anyway. The media ignore them, except for God’s news source, Fox.

For all the things Republicans have done to mealy mouthed democrats like Obama, nothing – NOTHING is as low as the trick they’ve pulled with Rush Limbaugh. May all of Obama’s lawn people quit.

Someone let Michelle Obama out of her cage last week. Every time she gets out, we get a taste of how vomity she truly is. We see she is much worse than Hillary Clinton was, even in the 90’s when she killed Vince Foster and poisoned Mother Theresa. You know what I’m sayin’. In a speech the other day, Michelle admonished her listeners not to vote for someone “because you like him, or because she is cute.”

Michelle Obama

Girlfriend took that little dig at Sarah Palin. That’s fine, but it was done with the contemptuous snooty air she always exudes when she is allowed to speak. She is a hater. She hates white people, especially lovely charming ones like Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin

Think of the influence Michelle Obama would wield in an Obama Black House. Consider if you will the ilk of judges the Obamas would appoint. Radicals. muslims. Thugs. Thieves. Rappers. People with goofy names like Malik and Jamal. I could go on and on.

Slavery for white folks. All firstborn white males aborted.

It’s all on the internet.

I’m kidding about some of this, but Obama’s commercial that misquotes, misuses and mistranslates the words of fat Rush Limbaugh is wrong. Michelle Obama’s snide little dig against Sarah Palin, who is a thousand times “cuter,” was over the top. Save that crap for your next love-in with the fat girls on “The View.” I’m also tired of the op-ed pieces written by the following fat New York Times columnists: Frank Rich, Gail Collins and Maureen Dowd. Wait. Maureen isn’t fat.

My girl Tina Fey’s impression of Governor Palin on “Saturday Night Live” was spot-on and hilarious. I’ve read the governor was also amused by it. At least some people still have a sense of humor.

There is still time for someone to say the N-word or throw watermelons. Let’s take this campaign down to a. Ho. Nutha. Level. Who can forget the historic 1983 Chicago mayoral race, during which folks who didn’t like black Harold Washington wore buttons with a watermelon and a red diagonal stripe (the international NO symbol). I’ve searched far and wide for one of those, but can’t find one.

Harold Washington

In the end, Obama is going to lose, because has a dumb name, and he should have changed it years ago. And he is going to raise taxes and give all the money to people who don’t pay tax in the first place. It’s called communism or something worse. He knows nothing about foreign policy. He hasn’t served a day in the military, and this nation is at war with his religion and culture. His pastor is a nut and a goofball. One of Obama’s early supporters and current friends enjoyed blowing up people, places and things, and wishes he still could. In sum, Obama’s judgment sucks, and I don’t trust him to run anything, short of a Rodney King Riot or a Free O.J. Simpson Rally. Those things he could do.

The “American People in their righteous might” will elect a black president some day, but not this year, and not this black guy – even if he is half white. The democrat party could have given us a much better candidate – Biden for instance. The Republicans could have also given us a better choice too…but they didn’t.

©Randall P. Hodge, Esq. and Morningwood Enterprises, LLC

Iowa, BabyDaddy & Nekkid Pictures

I am anxious to hear Governor Palin speak tomorrow night at the hideously boring Republican National Convention. It is difficult for me to get excited about it, as I'm not a big fan of the nominee, Senator John McCain. For the life of me, I cannot understand how it is that we are stuck with the nominees we have to choose from, McCain and the muslim Obama.

Perhaps we should nuke Iowa. It is, after all, the Iowa Caucuses that generally saddle America with its worst Presidents, e.g., Jimmy Carter. Iowa caucus goers have almost derailed the candidacies of such heaven-sent men as Ronald Reagan. Reagan was sent by the Almighty, as He, too, was sick of watching Carter screw up His favorite nation. Anyway, my point, and I sometimes get to it, is this. Goofy Iowa has a Governor named Nutsack, or something like that, and the state stuck us with the muslim Obama, when it handed Hillary Clinton an unexpected defeat. My candidate, Mitt Romney, also lost the caucus. So stuck we are with Obama, the muslim anti-Christ, and McCain, the…old and unexciting (but his wife likes pills).

I like Sarah Palin.

I'd heard of her before, but I knew she was a long shot for the job. She is conservative (she is the only one running) and, most importantly, she is attractive. Her entire family is beautiful. I think Maureen Dowd referred to her husband Todd as "hunky." Funny. Superficial. Shallow. I read Maureen every time she posts her column at the New York Times website.


Here's why I like Sarah. She can speak. I didn't know how well she could speak until last Friday. She is obviously a natural. McCain waddled out there and was barely able to tell us why he was there. McCain could not suck more as a speaker, unless he took lessons from W. Sarah walked out and wowed everyone. After eight long years of Bush the Dumb, it is enlightening and refreshing to hear someone who is eloquent and intelligent. Girlfriend wasn't even using a teleprompter, that I could see. She can pronounce words. She knows what the words mean. Think of this!

This is just a psychic impression I have of Sarah Palin. I think she is the kind of leader who comes along now and then like Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, or Harry Truman. They almost accidentally end up in the right position at the right time. Their natural, God given gifts take over, and they perform brilliantly, and in the way their country needs most.

The press are harping about her inexperience. I don't care. After eight long years of Bush the Dumb, I am ready to take a chance on someone – ANYONE -- who can speak and think and analyze and listen – and whatnot. Imagine Sarah Palin is President, and the muslims pull one of their war starting stunts. She would be briefed on the situation, and aides would present various options. She strikes me as the kind of person who'd consider, ponder, think, pray, and then make the right decision. That's what we need in the White House. Someone who can communicate. Someone with common sense. Someone who isn't afraid to try new things. Someone who has faith. Someone who values life. Someone who is sober. Oh, and someone who is a babe and dresses well.

In the early 90's when Sarah Palin was getting started in local government, Barack Obama was probably organizing Rodney King riots in Chicago.

Obama's evil minions have been whispering about Governor Palin's daughter being quick with child. So? I think some of it is almost funny. A friend of mine said, "all that tells us is she puts out." That was wrong, and I am repeating it only as an example of the sort of thing one should not say. Jay Leno said John Edwards is the father. That was wrong too.

I sincerely wish the babydaddy, a young man named Levi Johnston, had not taken down his MySpace page before I had a chance to see it. Evidently, he is sort of a thug, which is a good quality to have if one plays hockey, and he does. "Sex on Skates," the New York Magazine called him. I read some place that on his now defunct MySpace page, he says the eff word a lot and promises to beat up anyone who crosses him. He sounds like he'd be sort of fun to watch and read about…in a "Billy Carter" sort of way. But Levi is one babydaddy who is going to wish he'd just gone home and watched porn. If you know what I'm sayin. The media are going to make his life miserable. Maybe, just MAYBE, he will slug someone, or at least tell a reporter to eff off on live camera.


I'd be willing to bet that for all the challenges they face, Bristol and Levi will marry and stay that way for about 65 years.

Still, I cannot imagine anything that is less relevant to this election than Bristol's pregnancy. I am glad she is going to have the baby, as he or she might grow up and cure cancer, or invent another boner pill. One never knows what one of the nearly 50 million aborted might have done. The dry comic Stephen Wright used to have a line in his routine. "I had a dream once. All the aborted babies came back, and boy were they pissed."

But I digress.

It is difficult to imagine the outrage if the Republicans started harping on Obama's mother. Girlfriend went to college in the early 60's, and she took up with, of all possible choices in Hawaii at that time, an exchange student from darkest Africa. Frrrl. I don't mean that racist. It had to be a real "Guess who's coming to Dinner" moment the first time daughter brought that dude home. Every parent's nightmare, especially in those days. Then what did the guy do? He ran off and left the young girl with THE OBAMASSIAH -- a baby, in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes and whatnot. She must have had some sort of muslim thing going, because she married another one, and the happy family ended up in a madrasa (مدرسة, for my muslim readers) in Indonesia. You can't make this stuff up. With Obama, is isn't necessary to fabricate.


I doubt the New York Times has ever run three front page stories of this juicy Obama stuff on the same day. Tuesday, the Times ran three front page stories about the Palin family. On the same day, son. None focused on young Track Palin, who is about to be deployed to Iraq, or on Governor Palin's hair care products. For a real shocker, look at the cover of this week's "Us" magazine. "Us" has always been a bit on the shady side.


So I am kind of proud of McCain for picking Sarah Palin as his running mate. I don't know what he was on when he decided to do it, but I hope he keeps taking it. The racist and sexist Obama picked an old white dude to be his running mate. See? With Obama, a sister doesn't have a chance. In contrast, McCain picked a gifted and intelligent woman, and "baby got back," as Obama would say when the cameras were turned off.

I mean everything I've written about Obama in a nice way.

I believe Governor Palin is going to electrify the convention, and she will attract the largest television audience since the last African who spoke in Denver. If this happens, they might win. It was a good sign that after Obama's satanic allies conjured up Hurricane Gustav to mess up the convention, McCain's evangelicals prayed it down to a category 2 – thus saving hot, smelly New Orleans, and the Republican National Convention in cool, clean Minneapolis. And Mary Richards.


With any luck, the ridiculous stories about Governor Palin will go away. Still, I fear that somewhere in Alaska, lives and lurks a mullet having, wife beater wearin', wal-mart shoppin', broke down car in the front yard havin', meth smokin' thug, who hung on to some nekkid pictures of Sarah Palin (he will claim she was his "fiancé," and that she would have wanted him to sell the pictures to "Hustler.") I hope not, but these things happen. Just ask Vanessa Williams.



Until the voices inside my head tell me to write again, I am,

Randall P. Hodge, Esq.
©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, Ltd.