Saturday, June 07, 2008
 | Bismarck and the Good War In which we have returned, briefly, to a land of cell phone coverage. We have been working in a different county for the past couple of weeks. Like most people in Oklahoma City, I have ATT cell phone service. I've been happy with it, especially since I developed an addiction for sending and receiving text messages. I have unlimited everything, which costs me about $6000.00 a month, but at least I don't have to worry about going over. ATT allows me to roll over unused minutes, and since I don't talk on the phone much (can't up here for sure), I have accumulated over eight years of cell phone minutes. That's a lot on the water. It fell to one of my new best friends and me to pick up a colleague at the airport in Bismarck at 3:00. Because of delays, he didn't arrive until 9:00. That meant six hours for us to come up with something to do. It's not like we could scrapbook or play tennis. So we did what people always do: we went to Barnes & Noble, bought some books (which I will never read), had some real coffee for the first time in days, walked around the mall and marveled at the attractive people. There are no attractive people where we've been staying, and I am an excessively shallow and superficial person. I work at this, you see. Work very hard at it. So we wondered around for about ten minutes until both of us realized we were tired. We sat down. We stared an pointed at folks until they made us leave because we were creeping out the mall patrons. But first, we had t-shirts made to mark our very special day in Bismarck, and a cheesy time was had by all. I spent money I don't have on a lot of crap for which I have no room in my luggage (which now includes several trash bags and two cardboard boxes). Then we drove around. Saw a hill and climbed it (in the car, of course). Saw a familiar site – the gold leaf statue of the angel Moroni, atop the Bismarck Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It is a smallish building, and I believe it is the same design as the temple in Oklahoma City. Members of the "Mormon" Church take these temples very seriously, and they are built for special purposes. All are beautiful and well-built. No pre-fab temples. The Mormons always select spectacular sites to locate their temples. I keep waiting on them to buy the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem off the arabs. Or win it in a poker game, perhaps. Imagine a religion that worships a rock. Maybe the Mormons would tear down all the muslim stuff, and throw up a real temple. Just a thought; no controversy intended. Many people believe the Ark of the Covenant was stolen from Indiana Jones, and then secreted off to be buried in the arab-occupied Holy Land. Or, as one writer put it, "the devil's nutsack." You know what I'm sayin'. The view from up there on the hill was stunning. Bismarck is a beautiful city. It is clean, neat, easy to navigate, and chock full of industrious Germans and Scandinavians. The place was named after the Iron Chancellor himself, Otto von Bismarck. I was impressed with this city of roughly 60,000, and I wouldn't mind living there. There is but one small glitch. Well, two. One, I'd have to pack and move. That ain't happ'nin' because that would be too much trouble. And B., it gets colder up here than I've ever experienced. David Kelly told me he was in Bismarck once, and it was 20˚ below zero. That's cold on the water. I was with the Germans at Stalingrad, you know, which sucked, as the Russians cheated – surrounded us and cut off our supplies. We Germans always fought fair. But I digress. It was colder then, but I was younger and could take it. I don't know if I could handle it now; I'm old and give out. Anyway, we had more time to kill, and we'd long since run out of things to talk about. One of us had the bright idea of going to the movies. We found a nice theatre called "The Grand," which tried very hard to be a grand theatre from the 30's. Even had an Egyptian theme. The Grand didn't have stadium seating, but that was okay. Normally, some fat lug with a cap will sit directly in front of me, and I then have to move. We saw "The Strangers," which stars Liv Tyler, who played Arwen in LOTR, and who does NOT look like her father, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith fame. "The Strangers" was the most suspenseful movie I've seen since the original "Halloween," back in 1978. It is not as gory as "Halloween," by the way, and there were no thingies flashed. Neither I, nor my friend liked it, and we were tempted to leave. I didn't care for the ending either. People do some mighty stupid things when there are psychos about, don't they? Arwen does not get nekked. If you like this sort of movie, I recommend it, but it's not geared for my age group. I bought Pat Buchanan's new book, the cover of which is currently my profile picture at my official MySpace for high school girls page. It is called "Churchill, Hitler and the unnecessary War." If it isn't already, I'm sure it will be a best seller. Since I worked for Pat, like him, and have actually read his other books, I have set a goal to read this new one. For me, a goal to read a book is about as ambitious as deciding to go to college or get married. Pat's new book has pictures too. Hitler does not get nekked. Buchanan thinks the war could have been avoided. He blames the war on obstinate and corrupt Polish colonels who refused to negotiate with Deutschland over the issue of the German city of Danzig. Danzig was a port city that was part of the ill-advised "Polish Corridor." The city and corridor were grabbed after the Armistice that ended World War I. Why did these colonels refuse to negotiate? They were busy trying to change a light bulb, I suppose. No, Pat writes the Poles were proud; they overestimated the strength of their vaunted horse cavalry against German tanks; and, most importantly, the British promised to go to war against Germany if Poland were attacked. This assurance prompted the Poles to resist German demands. As Pat pointed on the Colbert Report, Great Britain was in no position to save Poland, any more than the United States could help Tibet today. Thanks to President Bush, we only have about 125 soldiers left to deploy in any future war Bush might start. Would Hitler have stopped if Danzig had been returned to Germany? I doubt it – not if one believes "Mein Kampf," Hitler's hideously boring and unreadable blueprint of his plans for Germany and the world, should the Deutsches Volk be dumb enough to elect him. Hitler's eye had always been on the commies – crushing Bolshevism (a very noble goal), he wanted the vast expanses of land to the east, and all the swell oil (that the Russians still have so much of they export it to Third World nations like the United States). Stealing oil is also a very noble goal, which is why I've advocated making Iraq the 51st state. Obama will annex Africa and all its problems if he is elected. I'll write more about Pat's book after I've read it. I was proud to get a First Edition, but I was less proud that I managed to splash coffee on it. I cain't have nuthin' nice for long. Bear Grylls is on the Discovery Channel. The Grylls show is one of my favorites. But for some reason, and in virtually every episode, Bear Grylls gets nekked -- Unlike Liv Tyler and Hitler. You know he wants to, and each episode is set up to provide an opportunity. He went swimming nekked in frozen water, and then he ate raw liver and an eyeball from a yak's carcass. Like to made me puke. Said it didn't taste good. Frrrll? What did he expect? That guy's a nut. There is a time to eat, and a time to starve. Learn the difference. Or take some diet pills along next time, and you'll be just fine. From Bismarck, to Beulah, to Dickinson (where we're partying down this weekend) to World War II, which was started by Obama's grandfather. That's what's up. This state is growing on me, and I'm growing on it. The governor dismissed my suggestion they change the state nickname to "the Taupe State." Everything was indeed brown or taupe when we arrived. Now it is green, green, green. The temperatures are mild. It is windy. This morning I was freezing to death. It must suck to be in Oklahoma City. The best weekend ever to everyone. Randall P. Hodge, Esq., N.V. P.S. David Kelly introduced me to the works of the Wutang Clan. I am a whigger now. ©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, LLC |
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