Digressions from Morningwood: 4th Fattest Human in North Dakota

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Current mood: quixotic
Category: Life

It is official now. A letter from the State Capitol in Bismarck advised me that I am now the 4^th fattest human in North Dakota.

Decided to go to a doctor. All I wanted was a pill like I heard about on an episode of "Absolutely Fabulous," back in the slim 90's, before the dumb President Bush ruined the world. In that episode, Edina Monsoon (who always struggled with her weight on the show, even though she is svelte and beautiful in real life) urged her doctor to give her a pill so she could "just pee it all out in the morning." The "all," being her fat. The doctor told her no, as the patient might have a heart attack, he warned. Edina didn't care about that, and she pleaded. The doctor refused, and Edina remained fat.

The doctor I went to was not, tragically for me, a "pill doctor." He was one of those who believe in such bizarre notions as exercise and change of diet. For example, he urged me to get out of bed an hour earlier each morning and walk. WALK! To where? He suggested the treadmill at the hotel. "I can't use it, because it is locked up in the exercise room. One must get the key from the front desk, and that is at least 20 feet away. Plus, someone else might come in and want to use the other equipment, and I hate most people."

"Can't you swim?" he asked me. "Yes, I could," I explained, "but I am allergic to human urine and particles of feces. Pools are known recipients and receptacles of both. Haven't you seen the 'Southpark' episode where Eric Cartman was horrified by all the six year olds peeing up the pool?"

"Lift weights, then," the doctor suggested. "I would but they are too heavy."

"Run?"

"No, it's too far. I get enough exercise drying off after I get out of the shower. I just need a little something to…take the edge off."

Then he got off on the diet thing. I explained that I am living in a place where they put gravy on everything, including fresh fruit, and the only green vegetable I've seen is a pickle. Saw an olive in one place, but it was a fake. He went on and on about carbs. He lost me when he told me one of the Subway® sandwiches that Fat Jared recommends would basically KILL me because of all the carbs. I felt like saying, "nigga pleez (even though he was white like everyone else here). If Fat Jared's sandwich recommendations won't help me lose weight, then you're just going to have to do liposuction or something."

He laughed; "you're not that fat," he assured me. Yet. But it is coming.

"You need to eat fresh fruit. Eat whole grain, unprocessed cereals with fat free milk. No meat. Absolutely NO PIZZA. No bread. No soup. Certainly no Dairy Queen, either. Eat at least six light meals a day."

This doctor was fat himself, but I was forced to endure all of this. What made it all worse, was he let me know right away that he wasn't a believer in "quick fixes." (which I hoped did not mean he didn't give magic diet pills). That is precisely what he meant.

So all is lost. I've lost. I must be fat. I must endure the unendurable. Being grotesquely fat, and facing an Obama Presidency, and the end of all things.

Not to be overly dramatic.

***

I'll tell you what. I watched McCain and that awful infanticidic Obama on Rick Warren's program the other night. I was pleasantly surprised by McCain. I don't care for him, particularly, because he is a closet moderate, he cheated on his first wife, and I don't like his positions on such issues as campaign finance. I don't trust him NOT to appoint a gaggle of hideous judges that we will have to endure for a generation or more. All we need is another Souter. In spite of my misgivings, I'd still vote for him, because the other choice is unthinkable.

McCain stuck to his guns on drilling for oil, so we can better use it all up in MY lifetime. He stuck up for poor Georgia, which the Russians are going to ravage prior to seizing and ravaging Ukraine. He stuck up for the Baby Jesus. He stuck up for babies. McCain is pro life. Obama is adamantly and radically pro death. McCain affirmed his commitment to exterminating our enemies. I don't think McCain would get us into another war without cause, but he is just nutty enough to keep our potential enemies wondering. He might just nuke mecca, which would be lovely. Reagan was masterful at this. The Commies were scared to death of him. McCain spoke out strongly against the Russian invasion of Georgia (which I thought was kyna coo, as it reminded me of Poland in 1939, and it has been years since we had a good European War, with tanks and planes and whatnot).

You know what I'm sayin'.

But I digress. When all of this broke almost two weeks ago, McCain was right out front, telling it like it is. Obama sent a fruit basket and a mix tape to the warring factions, and suggested we all get together at the World Court in The Hague, and let the French and Dutch sort it all out. Bush was, presumably, drunk, not unlike when he stated he'd looked into Tsar Putin's eyes and saw his soul. Putin, in contrast, allowed that when he looked into Bush's eyes, he spied a moron. Hence, we were caught off guard by the New Cold War, and we cain't do nuthin' about it.

America is a country blessed with a number of highly educated and brilliant managers. Masterful politicians and communicators. Yet our choices, sadly, sucketh.

I don't care about all that. I'm fat, and I want my Rolex back.

***

Haven't the Olympics been swell? We're all justly proud of our national dolphin, Michael Phelps, the swimmers, the gymnastics team, the three black dudes who won all three medals jumping over stuff, and one of my favorites, Stephanie Brown-Trafton, who won the gold medal for throwing the discus. Nobody thought she could do it. She has no website. She is not famous. Probably no huge contracts to peddle Speedos®, which I myself cannot wear. And Girlfriend threw a DISCUS, for heaven's sake, and they are heavy. I guess they are heavy; I don't lift things. Anyway, I am proud of her, and I'm her new biggest creepy stalker fan. If I weren't fat, and old enough to be her father, I'd ask her to be my next babymama.

And, I was impressed and entertained by all the little 16-year old Chinese gymnast girls, who still have their baby teeth.

If that awful, cruel, selfish, Joseph Mengele Doctor I went to had given me some diet pills, I'd have a swimmer's build just like Michael Phelps; all I'd have to do is take one before bed and then pee it out in the morning. Might have to endure such side effects as anal leakage and erections that last more than 48 hours, but is there anything more important than being thin? No.

***

Here's hoping Obama's pick for VP has some dreadful skeleton in his closet that will sink both of them. Here's hoping McCain picks Romney or Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay.