Saturday, August 09, 2008
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I knew it was safe to watch the opening of the Olympic™ Games, because it happened yesterday. If there had been any terrorist trouble in Beijing, the news just might have interrupted the non-stop coverage of Caylee Anthony. This is the unfolding story of the little girl who has been missing for several weeks. It doesn't look good. Sounds like her kooky, hideous and truth-challenged mother (Casey) had something to do with it. I'm troubled by her theft of gas cans, as well as the inconsistencies that are exposed every single time she speaks. One can almost find sympathy for Casey, the presumed "disappearer," when one is exposed to innumerable "press conferences" by her media addicted mother. She is the one who smelled a dead body, later opined to be rancid pizza, in the trunk of Casey's car. I want some of whatever those dreadful people are on. They niggas is high on something, son. Furrrl. I thought the goofy dad was going to gut somebody right there in the yard today. Don't these people have jobs? But baby mama, and baby grandmamma. Please. Shut up. Self. Please. Stop watching the sh*t on Fox (my baby mama Greta Van Susteren), Headline News (my "Boo" Nancy Grace), and CourtTV (now TruTV, I guess). Why do we always have to have an O.J. story going? Reminds me of that "last summer of yesterday," in 2001. All of the world was transfixed with the silly story of the disappearance of Chandra Levy, yet another intern caught in, on or with a congressman's weiner. Yes, poor Chandra's disappearance was THE story, up until 9/11. August is notorious for notorious stories. They almost always involve someone's weiner. We learned today that John Edwards also have a "baby mamma," as the gangstahs phrase it. What a vomity phony. Alas, THE MAN is always going to bring you down if you're pretty and rich like John Edwards. Why he would cheat on his awesome wife, all to party with that tart, is beyond me. I don't know why Larry Craig chose an airport bathroom. I don't know why Bill Clinton chose the Oval Office. It's always about weiners, though. The whole world is on fire over some "breakaway" province in Georgia and Russia. Maybe the Germans will invade Poland. This potentially escalating conflict is right out of one of Tom Clancy's books. Remember "Sum of all Fears?" So we have this cool European war brewing over there, and all the media want to talk about is poor little Caylee Anthony and her putrid family, all of whom I'd like to set on fire, not unlike what they suspect the mother did to her little girl. Geez, I hope not. But I digress. Back to the Olympics. I've never seen anything more spectacular than tonight's opening ceremony. Maybe Kevin Federline's videos. What a magnificent combination of lights, pageantry, choreography, and foreigners. I will never forget the drums, the gnomes prancing around in the yellow union suits with blinking lights, or the menacing (and so very Communist China) goose stepping soldiers. I think Bush was drunk, by the way. 
It was fun watching all the countries on parade, particularly my favorites, the Police States. The Peoples Republic of Red Communist China marched in, proudly carrying the flag of Wal-Mart. I paused to reflect on the symbolism, and it hit me: every damn thing I was touching, using and looking at in my hotel room was made in China. On a serious note, it was particularly moving to see the very tall Yao Ming, who was actually reverse engineered, or something, from the parts of three different people. Yes. Chinese medical nerds managed to join them together, and voila! A tall Chinese basketball star who gets laid a lot here in America.  Wait. That wasn't the moving part. It was the little boy walking with him. Seems the kid was a survivor of the earthquake last spring in Szechwan. I cannot believe I knew how to spell that word, Szechwan. Got lucky. The whole ceremony was incredible (other than drunk Bush taking off his jacket, and urinating over near a post). I'm jus' sayin'. I suppose 1.3 billion people, to whom we've sent several trillion dollars of our wealth, thanks to Wal-Mart, can throw a nice party. I hope the Chinese hosts have the best Olympic Games to date, but that Germany wins the most medals. I guess I'm lying about Bush taking off his jacket. He wouldn't do something that tacky in public.China just needs to free Tibet, so Richard Gere will shut up. And nuke North Korea and Iran, too. Did anyone notice the arab countries had very few women athletes? The only arab women allowed to participate were pretty much wrapped up like mummies. Not as bad as the taliban, who only permit little eye slits through the shroud, but bad, nonetheless. Way to be part of the 21st Century. It is a good day whenever the citizens of the world can come together without the muslims blowing it all up. I mean that in a nice way. ©Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood Enterprises, LLC |
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