25 Stupid Ridiculous Idiotic Random Things

Some of this was wrong.

(25 something or other -- as suggested by some MySpace rejects, friendly nerds on Facebook, and forged in the wanton, mindless, and often plagiaristic thought processes of Randall P. Hodge, Esq.)

1. I'd rather not deviate from my daily routine.

2. I feel no remorse if I don't accomplish a thing on a Saturday or Sunday.

3. It sucks that so many people are hurting because of the economy. This is why my time machine will take the Gin Blossoms and me back to the 90's.

4. I never get tired of watching the same World War II documentaries on the History Channel. Hitler is everywhere; he is the new black.

5. I am convinced that challenging times come so we will grow and change....and that is the cheesiest thing I've ever typed.

Growth and change help prepare us for the next wave of sh*t hitting the fan...That's the second.

6. It occurred to me that we need a live edition of Porn Chess. A bunch of nekkid white people standing on squares for hours on end is just what we need in these troubling times.

7. I wonder why so many people pooch out their lips like rappers whenever someone takes their picture? It must relate somehow to the oddly formed finger gestures. White people are curious creatures. Many ARE what they watch on MTV.

Unknown

Pictured: White Gravy, Morningwood’s Resident Expert on Thangz and Thuggz Gangstah (or however they spell it)

Pictured: Morningwood’s Resident Expert on all Matters Hood, White Gravy, f’in ta cash someone’s check.

Morningwood Security Staff sports fierce looking casual wear. He will cut you.

8. The comedian, Stephen Wright, once said "I had a dream that all the aborted babies cameback, and boy were they pissed."

9. I am a big fan of XM radio, but they are raising the rate to listen online. THE MAN will get you every time.

10. I have become a late blooming fan of "Family Guy." I think it is well-written and funny, albeit Seth McFarlane is likely a hippie communist liberal pinko who voted for Kerry. David Kelly got me hooked on it, and many other Adult Swim cartoons. I sometimes consider the reaction I would have if I used powerful, exotic and mind altering psychedelic substances and then watched Adult Swim. Let's do that.

11. Later, my mood changes, and I wax nostalgic. I wish everything was in black & white. People are nicer to each other in black & white -- except for gangster pictures and Schindler's List of course.

12. I wonder if the sexist, sophomoric artwork we drew on the walls and desks at the law school are still there. There was one of a guy with a large penis -- large enough for a buxom and nekkid young woman to straddle it. She sported a riding crop, as if to control the movement of her "steed," so to speak. He called it "The Weiner Rider." The artist is a genius and a great human being. Rich, too. Yet this is the kind of thing that can get one kicked out of law school. Fourth Grade is never over for some of us. One of these days I shall post a facsimile of that drawing and get kicked out of Facebook.

13. I have so much stuff to do, it is easier if I don't do any of it. If I unpack a box, there is no place to put the contents. Everything in my home has a job right where it is, so I leave it alone.

14. My life is like a Pam Ewing dream. Sometimes it is going one way, and I've adjusted, and the next thing I know, it's all effed up and, oddly, Patrick Duffy is in my shower.

...ahhhh 'shrooms.


15. I really prefer English. Wal-Mart started this bi-lingual crap.

Oh Snap! This image is about 20 times funnier than the Mexican-English signs I found. This image is wrong because it stereotypes Wal-Mart lurkers. Accordingly, Morningwood Enterprises, Ltd., and the author vociferously, obstreperously, and boisterously condemn this image.





16. I'm not so sure I care about the Middle East, because it is chock full of muslims. I am a confirmed xenophobe. I believe the vast majority of them want to destroy Western Civilization. I've been perturbed at the whole arab species since the Iranians kidnapped our diplomats in 1979. I do know this: people over there don't like tall things, or innocent women and children, do they? Strange species indeed. Wait. Iranians don't like to be called Arabs, do they? Good. I decided I no longer wish to "Co-Exist" as the hippie bumper strip suggests, with the muslims. They crazy. I mean all of that in a nice sort of way.



17. I still miss "The Far Side" cartoons. Several years ago, I bought a huge and heavy hardback platinum diamond space shuttle limited signed edition, which contained two volumes. It is possible to make a book that is too heavy. I've never looked at them, because I don't want to pick them up. I wish I were kidding, as they cost a lot of money. Maybe I was on something when I ordered them. The government has been drugging white people for years to get them to buy crap they don't need. Read your internet, son. It's all there. Or are you just too blind to see it, or too mute to admit it? Right. Here's my favorite Far Side, next to "Poodles of the Serengeti," for which I cannot find an image.


18. I miss the Dallas Morning News being delivered to Oklahoma City. The Daily Oklahoman is the most vomity newspaper in the history of the world. Imagine, if you will, a newspaper that carries TWO terrific crossword puzzles. Pages and pages of comics. Dependable movie reviews. And whatnot. NOT the Oklahoman. It's the Dallas Morning News. The Oklahoman is the only newspaper in America that is not worth its purchase price of fitty cent.

19. When I see an old person with lousy and annoying driving habits, I try to picture one of my grandparents driving, so I'll sprout some patience and compassion. It doesn't work though.

20. I hang out with the prettiest people I can find, because I want to become one too. I was told this is how it's done. I think it is working because I feel pretty most of the time.

Let me digress -- we definitely need more boy bands, but they put that creepy fat guy, Lou Pearlman, in jail. Now THAT was the day the music died. Pearlman invented and perfected the art and style of the Boy Band. You people who poke fun at the Back Street Boys have no comprehension of life and culture as most people understand it.



21. Here's whassup this Sunday morning. Groundhog Day Eve. I wish someone would invent a Lortab Tree. This tree wouldn't need soil, water, or air. it only takes 48 hours to grow 40 feet. It immediately sprouts cute little Lortabs all over. They are 15 mg, SON. No useless Tylenol either. If I had a pain some place, I could pluck one Lortab (or twenty) and take as directed (or as I wanted). Instantly, TWO more Lortab appear in that spot. Even if you sent the tree to Red Communist China, they'd never run out. The tree can't and won't die, because it is, I guess, just magical as hell. Sigh.....the world is happy, and everyone is hugging policemen for giving out tickets.

The useful Lortab: Nature's Candy

22. God has huge, soft hands, with built in padded guard rails, so that's where I try to hang out when people aren't acting exactly as I trained and expected them to act, or when I'm scared. Jodie Foster got butt nekkid in "Nell" (1994). Here's my favorite line from the film (besides the ones she delivered when she was butt nekkid).

"Everyone's frightened everywhere… the sweet Lord soothes our tears, and all of our fears."

23. In addition to pretty people, I like to hang out with people who are into the solution to problems we all face. They will help me with the dumb stuff I've gotten into. It's all trippy, but it works like an infomercial, bitches.

24. I think we encounter certain people for a reason. Sometimes it's merely to hone our ability to become super annoyed, super fast. I often meet people who teach or inspire me to say or do the right thing. (I never learned how to act right, and I am almost eligible to draw a check from the government). I am lucky I have so many bright and thoughtful people around who keep me on the right path, or help me fix the things I mess up.

25. "I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless; I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God; it changes me." --C.S. Lewis

I doubt C.S. Lewis had very many "issues."

26. The stage names of porn actors and actresses are endlessly creative, sometimes hilarious, and often suggestive, if one ponders them for a spell. Porn is wrong (in muslim countries and Utah).

Jus' sayin'.

© 2009 Randall P. Hodge, Esq. and Morningwood Enterprises, Ltd.