In Which I Helped Topple the Soviet Union

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In 1984, I worked in the Chairman's Office at Reagan-Bush '84, which was located near the Capitol Building and another famous landmark, the Headquarters of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters.

The campaign manager, Ed Rollins, was connected to many of the more reasonable leaders in the labor movement. America still manufactured things in those days, so unions had more influence than they do today. The campaign had a significant and ultimately successful outreach program to union members. President Reagan was endorsed by a several national unions, and he was proud of the votes he received.

The Teamsters Union was rumored to have mob ties. This went all the way back to 1974, when we learned Hyman Roth put together this big deal -- it would be bigger than U.S. Steel. It involved Cuba, the Corleone Family, the Lakeville Road Boys, the Teamsters, Senator Pat Geary (RIP, G.D. Spradlin), and Boo Radley. The deal fell apart, though, and Rocco Lampone shot Mr. Roth to death in an airport terminal in Miami. Mr. Roth had flown home to vote in the Presidential election because they wouldn't give him an absentee ballot.

But I digress.

One day at the campaign office, all the errand guys were out running errands. Vital and indefensible as I was to President Reagan's re-election, and to ending the Cold War, Ed and Lyn Nofziger made ME deliver a package to someone at Teamster Headquarters. I was fitted with a bullet proof vest, a gangster fedora and a book of familiar Italian phrases.

Everyone kidded me that Ed and Lyn had set it all up so I'd be rubbed out.

In the end, I didn't see nuthin'. I didn't even get to take the solid gold elevator to the solid gold upper floors, where all the mafia guys and Howard Hughes were hanging out in wife beater shirts, making spaghetti, and not forgetting the cannoli. I was only allowed to drop it off at the front desk. All I know is the package contained $100 million in cash.

But I digress.

Twenty seven years ago, the Teamsters Union was strong, proud, and effective. If the union had Mafia ties, who cared. The Brotherhood of Teamsters was always more interesting than the other unions anyway, and they got more done for the members. How? The Mob. By the way, the F.B.I. and Rudolph Guiliani ruined the Mafia. How? They used listening devices, and that's cheating.

I'm a lifelong fan and member of both the Mafia and the Teamsters Union. It was sad on Labor Day to see James Hoffa resort to a screeching, Hitler-like rant about the Tea Party Movement. Goodwin's Law . I don't like to hear bad words because it makes me cry. Hoffa said bad words about people who should be entitled to express opinions, support candidates, and vote as they please. I suspect there are thousands of Teamsters who support the Tea Party Movement, which basically urges the federal government to stop doing stupid things. Yet Hoffa urged union members to take them out. Plus, he sounded drunk. No offense to myself and a bunch of people.

Somewhere, in Michigan perhaps, legendary union leader Jimmy Hoffa is turning in his grave, which is rumored to be a concrete block. Why? Because his son, James Hoffa, dyed his hair a dreadful ginger/orange hue, and because he was sucking up to a flukish goof like President Obama.

That pusillanimous, simpering, popinjay, Barack Obama, who can barely finish a sentence without his teleprompter. This is the same god-king who thought there were 57 states. He believed there was an Austrian language, which he learned to speak in just 5 minutes. Most embarrassingly, he mispronounced "corpsman" (hint: it's not corpseman) about 10 times in one of his canned speeches (that usually cause the stock market to fall about 200 points). No offense to the President, either. He got Bin Laden. Allegedly.

Sometimes I feel about as smart as Fredo Corleone, but I knew there were 50 states, that Austrians speak German, and that corpsman is pronounced coreman.

Plus, Obama's ears are getting bigger. He looks like Darren Stevens did when Endora cast a big ear spell on him.

So there you have it. I delivered all that cash to the Teamsters, who gave it to "Big" Paul Castellano of the Gambino Family, who gave it to a Ukrainian "button man," who took out Soviet strongman Konstantin Chernenko, who was replaced by Mikhail Gorbachev, who canceled the Soviet Union. Don't ask for details.

That is the true story of how Ed Rollins, Lyn Nofziger, and Randall P. Hodge helped end the Cold War. President Reagan, Pope John Paul II, and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher also helped.

©2011 by Randall P. Hodge, Esq., and Morningwood-DRK Enterprises – Prestige Worldwide