Diet Pepsi Twist - Das Ende

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Diet Pepsi Twist - das ende Current mood: betrayed Category: Life Pepsi is the crack dealer to the masses. Ever browse the soft drink aisle at the store? Pepsico markets some weird flavors. As a veteran drinker of Diet Pepsi, I know what Pepsi is up to with the exotic flavors. This evil communist corporation wants us all hooked on cleverly promoted brands. Then, once we're all addicted, Pepsi will yank it from the shelves. I've seen this happen over and over. What is the true motive behind this diabolical plot? Pepsico wants to be hurtful and destroy innocent lives. Simple as that. Oh, and Pepsi with Passion Fruit and Clam Juice might steal a tiny segment of Coke drinkers. My favorite soft drink of all time (I also liked "New Coke" back in the 80's) is/was Diet Pepsi Twist. I drank about two liters a day. Early one morning several years ago, I was tweaking around the hideous Super Wal-Mart. I decided to replenish my supply of Diet Pepsi Twist. The Pepsi delivery guy was stocking the shelves. I made some goofy comment to him about how much I loved the product. I sensed he did not care, but he told me this would be the last of the Diet Pepsi Twist in Oklahoma City. I thought I was going to die. Yeah, I was that hooked on the stuff. I loaded up my cart with every single can and plastic bottle of the Twist. I stopped by two more stores and bought all of their supply. I drove home and unloaded my car. I repeated this sequence all day long, and drove as far away as Norman and Edmond. Had friends dropped by my house (I wouldn't have opened the door anyway in those days) and saw all of the Diet Pepsi Twist piled in the dining room, kitchen, and down in the basement, they would have been embarrassed for me. They'd figure I was likely nutty enough to draw a monthly check from the government. They'd also want some of whatever I was on that possessed me to buy so much. I recall there were over 200 two-liter bottles, and maybe 75 cases of Diet Pepsi Twist in the can. I guess that's considered a lot in some countries. I was confident this would last me a few weeks. During that time I hoped to find an alternate source. Before I completely ran amok and drove to Omaha or Denver looking for more, I vainly attempted to concoct my own ersatz version of Diet Pepsi Twist. I tried adding to Diet Pepsi, lemon juice, lime juice, combinations of the two, as well as several citrus flavored sodas. I spent hours and thousands of dollars, and I didn't even come close. Mine tasted like battery acid twist. I eventually found a supplier in California. This company shipped it to me by the case, but it wasn't cheap. Two cases of soda are heavy, and the UPS man hated me. But nothing was going to stop me from feeding my head. The dealer advised me not to order two cases, as diet sodas have a much shorter shelf life. I assured him this would not be a problem with me. It wouldn't have time to expire. Later, an old friend in Arizona shipped it to me, and he wouldn't even let me pay him. Nice guy. Thanks, David. He sent me a text message today, "no more Diet Pepsi Twist in Phoenix." I knew then that it was all over. I have one can left. I won't drink it because I want it buried with me. Today, I generally drink Diet Pepsi Max. It's gimmicky and trendy, and offers such added ingredients as "More Caffeine!!" and "Now with Guarana!!" The exclamation points assure me that it is loaded with good things. I like it. It probably gives me an energy boost. But even the tiny optimist within tells me it is only a matter of time before some marketing nerd decides to pull the plug on yet another niche soda pop. I hate all the people who make these decisions. Pepsico is merely one in a long series of companies that yank or change products purely and simply to ruin my life. Along about 1978, bottlers began sweetening soda pop with pukesome corn syrup instead of pure cane sugar. It was cheaper, you see. When they nixed sugar, they took away that wonderful, indescribable "burning" sensation I felt as the soda went down. They only thought I wouldn't notice. A few years ago, Royal Crown Cola offered a premium version. Seems like it was called RC Gold or something cheesy like that. They advertised it was sweetened with pure cane sugar. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I knew it wouldn't last. Sure enough, it didn't. There is a fancy bottler of Dr. Pepper in Texas that makes for purists traditional Dr. Pepper with pure cane sugar. I once ordered a case, and it was terrific. I guess my point in all of this is to reveal the true reason people drink too much alcohol. It is dependable and plentiful. Nobody ever jacks with whiskey, gin, vodka, rum, or any of the other spirits. There is no test marketed "Cherry Vanilla Dewar's Scotch. Mr. Byron isn't going to pull the Seagram's off his shelf. But, like the fellow who spent his Saturday buying up all the Diet Pepsi Twist in Oklahoma and Cleveland Counties, there are other people who actually drink too much of a good thing, and they will do most anything to insure a steady supply. I wish I could grasp or relate to that mentality, but I'm far too busy plotting my revenge against Pepsico. RPH, Esq., N.V.