Shaving Girl Scout Cookies

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Shaving Girl Scout Cookies Current mood: jedi Category: News and Politics The Girl Scout cookies are gone now. When they first arrived, we gorged on them all day long, and we freely shared at the office. As the supplies dwindled, we began to hoard. I've often wondered why the Girl Scouts don't sell the cookies year 'round in stores. They could I suppose; it's not like there are a bunch of little girls baking them. They are surely made by the Red Chinese, like everything else. I wish I'd bought more and shared less. But that's how it always is for me. I deserve more than my fair share of people, places and things. Been getting some compliments on that cool picture of a badger on my page. What a mean looking animal. I'd be mean too if people used my fur to make shaving brushes. There is nothing comparable to a genuine badger hair brush, by the way, but who has the time to wet shave in the morning? You can't even buy an authentic badger hair brush locally, as far as I know. I found mine on the internet, and it came from Deutschland. Only someone obsessively compulsive like me would order a shaving brush and razor from Germany. But it's a swell set, even though I rarely use it. Now they have razors that have about 50 blades and cost about $50 bucks. Never mind the cost of replacement blades. Might as well buy a carton of cigarettes, for what they cost. But a battery powered razor with about 50 blades…is this a great country or what. I'm boring myself now, but I'll add this. Several years ago I got it in my head that I wanted to shave with a straight razor. You know the kind that is kept sharp by scraping it along a "strop." My father figure, Lyn Nofziger, remembered the days when gentlemen used straight razors, as that was all they had. He said, "Randolph, there's a reason somebody invented safety razors." I learned that lesson the first time I tried to shave with a straight razor. I almost cut my head off. Had to put lard and everything else on the wound to make it stop bleeding. That marked the end of my wet shaving obsession. Somewhere in a drawer or box upstairs, are stored a variety of shaving soaps, a bloody straight razor, a barely used strop, and a German-made badger hair brush. Looks like that awful McCain is the presumptive nominee for the Republicans. Not sure yet what the democrats will do. I hope they don't nominate Obama. He is even more awful than McCain or Clinton. Obama's wife is…well, she is evil. I mentioned she is probably a female Orc, or Orctress, and I mean that in a nice way. (watch "Fellowship of the Ring" again, and you'll see the resemblance). She is also a woman lawyer, and they are always mean. I think I read some place that she advocates retroactive slavery for white people, which is wrong. And consider Hilary Clinton, another attorney. Didn't she hit Bill with a leg of lamb or something? I know one of the first things she did in the White House was fire my former secretary, Claudia Korte. She also canned the travel office guys, who were all great. Some reliable conspiracy websites claim she shot Vince Foster. That's wrong too, if she did it. Since we can't be sure, why take a chance? Let's assume she did it. Yes, I'd like to have Mamie Eisenhower or Nancy Reagan as First Lady. Ain't gonna happen now. President Hilary Clinton will never wear a dress to show off her legs. That is a good thing. As I've pointed out, at least Mrs. McCain ate lots of painkillers, and she is pretty. But the Senator is old, fat and bald…not that there's anything wrong with that. He also calls me "his friend," and I am not particularly his friend. And when he speaks, he reminds me of Mr. Van Driesen, the patient and long suffering teacher of Beavis and Butthead. So Long, in German, which I'm now learning, thanks to Rosetta Stone. RPH, Esq., N.V. P.S. Happy Birthday to Mark and Melissa. How nice that you're so young.